Smile, chew and silence
Many at Christmas feel more lazy than illusion when we think about meals and family gatherings. But we anticipate that it is not food that makes us feel collectively uncomfortable, but the normativity that defines the traditional family. Moreover, we would dare to say that the common formula that makes us uncomfortable is as follows: Christmas family = fulfilment of the assigned role + acceptance of uncomfortable comments + concealment of conflicts that have been accumulating throughout the year + a little hypocrisy.
In fact, the word family comes from the Latin word famulus, which means servant. And of course, if we bring you etymology, it helps us to analyze the dynamics that are repeated in the family at these dates (and throughout the year).
The family, in itself, is structured as an institution that puts the collective (heteropatriarchal) rule above its own needs and makes us feel slaves to many situations. That is why we feel obliged to have dinner with our racist and homophobic cousin, although each year it cancels our values, our identity and our own existence. Hence, many mothers and grandmothers feel themselves as prisoners in their roles as caregivers and cooks; even if their right to rest or enjoy (among many others) is violated.
Why can't we in Christmas family gatherings deal with grandpa talking about aunt or "strangers" who makes quirky comments?
Moreover, Christmas works as a family performance, and in family encounters any attempt to put hidden (and not so hidden) conflicts on the table is considered a threat. But why can't we face an aunt who makes quirky comments or a grandfather who talks about "outsiders"? Because the order is clear: smile, chew and silence.
Yes, these dynamics are very exhausting, sometimes very violent. Because many dissident people feel compelled to camouflage, to abandon their realities and to withstand comments contrary to their being. And right here comes the theme of the chosen family in the game. In this sense, many people who feel outside the usual family norms find themselves in a refuge in social interaction and other affective bonds. Because the chosen family reminds us that we are not obliged to withstand the links that harm us.
Therefore, it is urgent to rethink the "family" as an institution. Or, why not, start designing a roadmap to abolish the family as we know it. Meanwhile, many of us have designed their own escapes, escaping the akelarres of our selected families during the night of New Year’s Eve.
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