Following my book in the Critic of Catalonia (10 ungovernable, stories of transgression and rebellion / Books of the K. H.) have published an in-depth interview that I have been given. I should be very proud. And I am. But I have to recognize that when I saw the photos, I was stabbed. I've seen my face aged, rather than ugly.

Being a feminist is a point of schizophrenia. Questioning the sexist powers does not guarantee that we have driven them out of our brains. Instead of an angel and a devil, I have two other voices in my head that struggle to keep my attention. When I went to the interview quote, my feminist angel told me: “Your speech is the most important thing, don’t waste your time crushing it. Appear as you are.” But when I saw the photos, the gender police devil screamed: “If you had been crushed, if you had used anti-wrinkle cream, if you had dyed your white hair...”

The tyranny of youth and aesthetics, which men increasingly suffer, is today a historic burden on women. I am clear about the speech and I explained it extensively in my book, using the words of authors such as Pierre Bordieu and Naomi Wolf and activists and groups against gordophobia (La Cerda Punk, Stop-Gordophobia, Ramonak). Women have learned since childhood that, according to heterosexual representation, we must be beautiful, thin and desirable for men. The comments that appear with actresses, politicians, athletes constantly remind us that our bodies are subject to public judgment.

It brought the analysis of the fat María Félix, Nicaraguan communicator: “The concern for our figure is a great investment in money, time and mental work, and it is a form of social deactivation of women.” We don't need direct attackers or oppressors to disable us. We ourselves take measures that harm our physical and emotional health, our freedom, our happiness and our empowerment: diets, surgery, high heels, psychological agitation. That's called symbolic violence.

Andrea Momoitio acknowledges in a daring article that, despite having internalized feminist discourse, she still lives with the fear of becoming fatter: “The love-hate relationship of all women with our body is a social war, although each struggle against itself,” he stressed.

According to Moroccan writer Fatema Mernissi, patriarchy uses space to control women in the Arab world (e.g., through the headscarf outside the house). However, patriarchy uses time to control European women: making women who are not young invisible.

Despite our desire to break the vesilancy with our bodies, no matter how much we try to tolerate our wrinkles, white hairs and pounds, the relentless bigotry with the women around us is not interrupted at all. I read Critic's interview, and a couple of days later, I visited my grandmother, who shook my eye. “You’ve got a lot of wrinkles out. You should buy some cream against over the years.” Zas! How can we not feel that stab?

The rational and ideological arguments that feminism gives us are not enough to change our emotions. Perhaps the most useful phrase of María Félix is this: “My body is very much like my mother’s. If I gave up my body, I would give up the bodies of my mother, my grandmother, my ancestors. I would also be reneging on myself.”