This conversation has brought me to you. The violence of one, the victim of the other, is and that...

I do not feel like a victim. Violence is experienced, but it can be overcome. On the other side there is life. I was born again after doing psychotherapy, after understanding what had happened to me. Now I'm a new person. It's a very difficult process. Society is behind and education… I cannot say that I was a male chauvinist, women cannot be a male chauvinist, but I accepted the roles. They were inside me. And not only in me, but in many other women. We live to take care of others. Always thinking about others. I never thought about myself, I never took care of myself. I even said it once. They asked me. “Which people are more important to you in this life?” I completed a list of the biggest ones. I put them all: father, mother... all but me. I learned that later and a lot of other things.

You didn’t appear on the list…

And in addition, I met a toxic person. At first everything was nice. I told that person my whole life, my fears and everything else. So I gave him all the tools to help me. That's where it all came out. I was always thinking about it. “What am I going to do so I don’t get angry?” That was what was inside of me, that it wouldn't get angry. But it didn't matter what I was doing, if I had to get angry, it would get angry, whatever I did on the right or on the left.

I thought he was talking to you on the radio.

I did several interviews: first in Vitoria [last November in the conference on empowerment after violence]. Then came the radio and television... and I was afraid. Now no, now I'm quiet. We still have the backpack, but I'm quiet. However, I think: “What if it starts again?” because I have calls, landline, mobile, landline, mobile, landline, mobile, landline, mobile… It’s pure torture! I was afraid, but a psychologist said, “Ainhoa, the more people you know, the more you protect yourself.” And if she also sees that I am brave, she is more afraid! If I sit around the corner, it will come to trample me. If you see that I'm strong, it doesn't come. They don't have a pot! Cowards! If I saw it, I would go ahead, I'm willing. I don’t know how she would react…

We are talking about gender-based violence…

I believe that this is a consequence of male society. That is my opinion. I said it once – and they almost ate me – but I believe that they too, the aggressors, are victims of the chauvinist society.

You've already released a nice stick!

We should also look at the word victim to understand exactly what the victim is. If we started thinking about it, we could go a long way. I believe that the victim and the aggressor are victims of the male chauvinist society. I'm not going to bleach the aggressor, or think about it! In this life, there is no excuse for having collided or abused.

How does this violence begin?

To start with, I didn't know what was happening to me was a case of violence. On TV you hear again and again the “gender violence”, which has killed so much… but you don’t associate yourself. It always happens to another. Mine, on the other hand, was mostly psychological, because I broke it with the first hit. Before, they were shocks, but I didn't relate to gender violence. I said, at first everything was very good, I was very in love, I listened to what I said… We were wonderful. They are very seductive, very zalameros, good sellers… I, on the other hand, was not so brave inside. They said, “But, Ainhoa, you are so strong and how has it happened to you?” Outward, yes, brave, but inward, no. I attached myself to him, and when we started, everything was fine. “Why did you dress like this? Go play! It changes!” We once went to Logroño with the engine. He wore his hair and a tracksuit. We arrived and said the first thing: “It’s my fiancée, but when you saw it, it’s more beautiful.” And I thank you for saying that at the time! That is what it is all about! Then another: “You’re never with your friends.” But I didn't know where to go! If we stayed with my family, we were always angry. Back home, the usual thing: “Do you see how I behaved? So you don't say I'm a goat." Thank God! Always small things. He didn't want to sleep with me a month after his marriage. It bothered me!

"Yes, a lot of little things," you said.

And more and more. In the middle of the crowd, I never looked at myself. What he said was never important, it was not worth taking into account. Never. In this way, the fears I already had grew. She knew where to stick! I always underneath. I'm an architect, he's a building builder. He took me to the place where the works were and informed me of the building. I had just finished my studies and I was grateful to him for explaining it to me. On the other hand, “I know it before”, I thought, but he, being in front of the client, considered me dumb, and I left him. They’re small things, I’ve already told you, but they were more and more, more and more…

How long?

One day he came home, furious. It wasn't a novelty, it was always angry! But that day struck me. Nothing but a push: a blow. It was the month of August and the festivities of Bilbao. I had put on my pajamas and left the house in my pajamas. I went to the police station to ask for help. “He’s stuck with me!” Sometimes he got nervous. I had also done security work, and I had a gun at home… I went to the Ertzaintza to ask for help, on my pajamas! And very bad.

Very bad.

Empathy, zero! I was afraid and I was afraid. If he filed a complaint, he knew he would get more angry. “If so far you have behaved like this with me, think about how you’re going to behave, what you’re going to do if I file a complaint.” That's what I thought. It is often the case: reports of ill-treatment are worse. They get worse.

We were at the Ertzaintza…

I was more nervous than nervous. I went without knowing what to do and asked for help. I called the boy's brother. Responds: “Do what you have to do, Ainhoa.” No help. I had been married for a year, and I didn't even want to tell my family. I was embarrassed to know what the society around us would say. I didn't know how to lead the marital life well, or I know that... The Ertzainas told me they were going home with me. “We’ll see how it is.” “How is it? Great! Foolish shot. I, nervous, hysterical, and he, quiet! That's what you'll see! But if you go home with me, you will fall asleep with me.” That’s what I told you…

In the Ertzainas, were they all men or if there were women?

All men. I wanted to talk about an attorney. I wanted to know. I knew if I denounced it would get angry. The house was in the name of the two. Aside from that, I had my own studio, and he was in my studio, with me, pushing forward his construction company. Where would I go if I had filed a complaint? What should I do, where can I go? I wanted to know who the lawyer was. “You have to denounce,” the Ertzaines repeatedly. "No, I'm not going to denounce it anymore. What will happen to me if I denounce it?” Nothing. Finally – I mean, it was at night, and the holidays in Bilbao – I thought I would call my sister. “That’s where he’s going to play!” And my sister came with some friends. And that night I went to my sister's house. I still have to hear that I went from juerga to Bilbao that night. “I know, because you’ve been seen.” That is what we have to hear. But those are your things, me five!

That's where the relationship ended?

I said, "That's it!" Then he started calling. I called and called all day long, I finally picked up the phone. He said to me: “But what are you doing? Are you crazy? Come home! What nonsense are you doing?” The fact is that I had not filed a complaint, because I did not see it clear. I did not dare to denounce it, but on those occasions it is the ertzaina itself that puts the complaint on the basis of what you yourself have said. One day, or back, I was called from the Ertzaintza, saying that I had to go there, that I had judgment. I knew he had denounced me because he called me, and I thought that was why that trial was held, because I had not filed a complaint. I didn’t know that of the Ertzainas, which they denounce and make a quick judgment… We don’t know anything! He sued my person telling him that I was crazy, that months before I had had a tumor in my head, that I had had surgery, that I had been touched in my head and that I was foolish. And I was afraid I would get hurt. I still have the complaint kept. He said to me: "I had to file a self-defence complaint. If you want to file a complaint, the best way to defend it is to file a complaint against you.” I think the Ertzainas are still laughing.

Quick judgment...

I answered the Ertzainas' call and went to court. I read the complaint. But what was that! I was emotionally shattered. I went to court alone, I don't know why, but I left alone. I thought it was a judgment against me. A girl asked me: “But you who you are, why I have to answer you,” I say. She says: “I’m your lawyer.” “Wow, the other!” I say. “What do you want?” “What I want is for me to be quiet, that’s what I want.” We reached an agreement. The boy was out, yelling out, out of himself: "Get out! I want to talk to you!” I don't know what happened, because I wasn't in my right judgment either. There was no evidence. Well, I already had the recordings: one said that I was going to kill my whole family and, first, my newborn nephew… So, until I was able to leave the study.

Not bad!

But I had to wait for her. I stayed there until he took all his horns out of me. As for him, he stayed at home. I was in my name when we bought it, and of course also the mortgage. However, he stayed at home for a month. I was out. Then he went to live in Barrika, here, for rent. And Ainhoa -- me -- that month, he had a knife in the bag. I was afraid! I was lost. I had to work, I am autonomous – there is no help for me – I have to pay everything. I looked for lawyers. At first, from here to there, I walked around. “Go to social assistance, go to this service.” I didn't know where to go.

There's no help for you.

No, then. Self-employed, with no children... At least I had the help of the psychologist, and then I was born again, five years ago, when I ended up with the psychologist. I did about a year with the psychologist. The lawyer I don't know how many would happen. Twenty? And every time I went, 60 euros!

Now you know what happened to you, you are able to understand yourself, you realize…

Now yes. So “denounce, denounce, denounce”… Attention, each case is different. But ask for help, yes. Do not interrupt, yes. Go find someone and tell them. Tell me about someone. First, you need to solve the emotional process. All divorces are a struggle. Think you have to fight, if you're emotionally bad! That is not possible!

Support from the psychologist…

… and the family. The family welcomed me very well. It's still there. Next to me.

When does all this end?

I have the economic backpack and I think I will have it forever. But I have no more than that. I am happier than ever, though I have problems. Sometimes I go down, I remember this and that, I have to pay a sum of money every month – which refers to his loan, but since he does not pay, I have to pay, because I put the guarantee on him – but I have got rage inside. I pulled it out. It didn't help me. I'm in my place, I think of myself. I'm going to start making the list, and first I'm at my head. I sleep quietly. I have nothing to fear from myself. I try to learn every day, live happily… I’ve been born again, I’m happy, strong, and the guy is ahead – he’s going to get me tangled up in my throat – but I’m going to go with his head high. He will go down his head! It can come out through the hole. The step must be taken. It's not easy, but it can be achieved.

Now you're in Haize Berria society to help others.

We started when the Basque Government brought together a number of women victims of violence. We began to realize the deficiencies and in order to fill them, we created the Haize Berria Association: to help take steps to the woman who has suffered gender violence, to provide leadership, to listen to those who want to speak. Empathy is very important and hug. The hug's strength is very large. Well, I think everybody needs a hug, but we don't say it and then we pay for it. Whoever wants to talk, there it is. Then we'll see where to go, what to do. We organize workshops every month. It is only an excuse, if you want, to take time. But we always have something: take the child to gymnastics, or I don't know where. We cannot stay with time. Women have time for everyone but for ourselves!