No. You cannot be, no: you cannot be a victim of male violence. How will you be one of the victims? You, who have college studies, who have culture, family regulations, money, house and weekend vans. No, you cannot be a victim, no one would believe it, not yourself. In theory you know that everyone can pass (and that is what you have always called for), but let us be honest: you have never really believed that, because it seems to you that there are specific profiles, even if you do not accept it in front of others. No, you are secretly grieved by “these women” and you have raised an invisible wall between you and them.

It makes no sense: you are a member of the feminist group and tattooed in war the symbol of the struggle of women three years ago, why ask this question? Girls are also guns and do not admit aggressors. Well, it's true that someone has had problems with their partner, but only because he fell in love with a simple kaiku and lost his head. They clearly saw that the others were wrong since they joined the guy. Although you didn't mention it in Aldua, it seemed to you that your friend was a little bit lost and, unintentionally, you judge him. He knows about paper, but in reality he didn't quite understand why he didn't abandon the relationship. Tell me the truth: it seemed weak, dependent, naive, clumsy, helpless, “a real victim” according to the traditional imaginary. And you hate that image. It cannot stand. It claims and exalts the strength and courage of women who have suffered victimisation, but secretly does not believe that they are like you. No, you would act very differently.

No, your case is different, because you don't look weak, just the other way around: those who know you know you are a smart, living woman, with a lot of personality and bad genius. Yes, you are sure, it is impossible for you to be one of the victims. It cannot happen to you, because you did not allow you to do so. You'll have gotten pretty! No. You have never been told not to go with your friends, or promised you how to dress. If you dared the sicario! You'd see who you're dealing with right away.

On the other hand, it's true you don't know why or how, but always get you to cancel the nights you've associated with your friends, and you know that those tight pants you don't like, so you don't put them. It makes you feel guilty with your gaze, but all of this you do because you want, by your own decision, because you prefer to be “good” with it. Well, well, or in other words, quiet. You say “I do it because I want to be with him”, but it is true that lately he has felt a little isolated, because he does not meet with old friends as much as he wants. The same thing with your phone: it lets you see your thing, with an excuse of trust, and then you are forced to leave it, fleeing mistrust. Well, it doesn't matter, you have nothing to hide, and he stays quieter. There is no secret among you. Or rather, you can't keep the information because, if you don't, you start getting nervous. But you choose because you want, for your own benefit.

No, this is not violence, because you are not screaming. You wouldn't accept it. It makes you understand your anger with silence: there may be days without responding to your messages, so I guess what happens to you. In these cases, when you're together, you're in a bad mood and you're responding with just one syllable. He asks for forgiveness, although he is not to blame, because it costs him more to ask for forgiveness, because in the family they have never taught him what it is (he says). He never asks you, or very rarely, or talks about a “but” involved.

Let us accept the truth: he spoke to you aloud. But you know that it gets like this because it has a tough character. You have also raised your voice, that is also true. It makes gestures and noise so you know it's angry. He has ever looked at you with disgust. 97; But you have not become hooked, no sir! You have always opposed what you have debated. It gets more angry. The look changes. When you cry (rarely), it accuses you of blackmailing and behaving like a child. Sometimes you found yourself happy in your tears. But no, it cannot be. Then she regrets. He doesn't say it, but you know he regrets and forgives him, hoping you will want him more if you bring empathy to the extreme.

No, it will never touch you: you would not cross that border (not like others). He thought he was about to touch "unintentionally" once or twice, at the point of losing control, but it is not possible: only to empty interiors has hit the adjacent wall. It would never hurt you. I mean physical pain. He tore the door, yeah. You spent fear for a second, but it was only fear.

No, you cannot be a victim: you do not meet the profile that has been drawn in your head. At the same time, you know perfectly well that there is no profile, that it is stigma, but not. It cannot be and it is! You are not that woman who announced on television and radio campaigns that you too have judged many times unintentionally.

And he? What will the aggressor be like? If so, you would know, you would notice. It looks like such an open guy, so sociable, engaged... When he walks into the bar, he fired everyone around him up and everyone tells him what his kid is. And yes, you think, it looks like a successful person, but only apparently. When you meet him closely, you've seen that he has few friends because you feel that everyone fails. In the eyes of others he is also an unconditional fighter for justice: he is always behind the banner, giving everything he has for others. Well, better said: for others who are not you, everything is given. You have not done anything for a long time.

At first no. At first things were different: it seemed to be at the end of the world for you. Everything was fast, everything was passionate explosions and promises of the future. He involuntarily immersed himself in one of those romantic love stories that you supposedly hated, wishing you had the exception of the norm. Now you have trouble remembering it, but he was another during the first season of the relationship. Sometimes it still happens that you have a few good hours and hope resumes. However, these moments are increasingly scarce and you are increasingly confounded by being “quiet” moments.

No, at first everything was completely different: every day I went to work, organized plans and praised how “different” it was. Later, because I was going every day to look for your job, I stopped taking with your colleagues the post-day drink. Most of all he started to avoid being with Urko, because his partner believes he wants something with you and that you have not firmly said no, because you also like to take care of him. It makes you feel bad. No matter how many times you said no, you are wrong. Every time he receives a message from Urko, the front is darkened and a cold war begins.

You're already thinking about something, but no, it can't be what you're imagining. He assured him that he was a balanced guy when they met, but that he had “bad luck” with his ex-girlfriend, which left him emotionally ill. The truth is that in his words all have been coabrons, vultures or madmen, and he feels hurt, suspicious. You were different to him, but now it is not as clear whether the distance with which he has as gowns, whore or nuts is so large. He has only rescued his Holy Bride from the guillotine. The latter has always been much better than you: nicer, faster, deeper, sexier, more comprehensive and, in general, better bride. He doesn't tell him that way, of course. If not, you'd be sweet! But it never talks about you that way. It has become “too common” to talk about you. Rarely do you accept it, but you feel jealous of the image it has with its former partner, Santo. He doesn't tell him. Well, you've ever talked about how you feel, but you've been told that you're crazy and that you have a serious problem with this issue. And you've never felt jealous and unsafe, but now yes, a ghost makes you nervous and doesn't know how to deal with it.

Lately your self-esteem has gone down more than ever and you wake up sad and nervous. He believes that you are the source of all illness and accuses you of having darkened your relationship. It's all his fault now and he's never fine. Everyone has something against him (at work, in the family, in the couple, in the friends...) and he is the victim of others and also of yours. You are already exhausted and unable to cheer you, as you did before: that emotional vampire has turned you off the sun. With a single look, you know what your sense of humor is, and you're splinters when you're near life. You're alone and you don't turn to your friends anymore, because your environment doesn't like it since they made a little criticism of it. What kind of friends and family do not accept your partner? But you think of something else. What would you think if others could really know what it's like? And worse, what would you think of you? Shame and guilt, shame and guilt. They don't take you off.

No, he said “this cannot be male violence,” but when you are reading an article written by a stranger you have felt a knot in the gut and your heartbeat has accelerated. He could have shed one or two tears or come into the urge to vomit. Although you’re a little dizzy, you’ve repeated that “it can’t be.” But now you know that yes, that can be, and that can happen to any woman, unfortunately, as to you too.

I come to repeat what you sometimes said to others: it is not your fault, you have not chosen or agreed to be attacked and you do not have to be condemned. You're not alone, here's my hand. Look again: engineer, postman, blonde, social worker, mother, divorced, teenager, literature enthusiast, unemployed, intellectual, feminist, foreigner, poet, nationalist, militant, caregiver, black, grandmother, student… He raised his eyes and took the judgment out of the burden. It is time to definitively dismiss the stigma of women who have suffered victimization and to direct the perspective to where it corresponds. The problem is not whether women adapt to the form or social imaginary of the victim: the real problem is the aggressors who accompany us. And in its profiling, signalling and, in general, in the identification of male violence, we have a great deal of work ahead.

Idoia Galán López, psychologist