Led by the psychologist Eneko Mendiluze Plaza of the cooperative Agencia, parents with young children have been talking about nighttime fears on the 8th in Elizondo (Navarre). The aim of the session is to clarify concerns about nighttime fears and develop tools to work on fears together. Mendiluz makes it clear that there is no magic formula or concrete steps to follow: “Those who seek such answers are usually frustrated.”

The differentiation between nightmares and night terrors is usually one of the concerns of parents. Mendiluz says that when a child has nighttime fears, he usually doesn’t remember them the next day and most of the time he still sleeps, but he has an expression of “immense” fear. On the contrary, in the case of nightmares, they are “difficult” to sort and integrate, they cause concern, they can wake up in the middle of the night and they can remember them the next day.

It is difficult to identify which factors cause one or the other to occur. According to Mendiluze, the mind is “a bit mysterious” and there is still much to theorize about the meaning of dreams: “We know that it is a mediator that has the mind to integrate our life experiences and, in a certain way, a way to assimilate the circumstances that occur in reality.”

In addition, when analyzing fears, it is important to consider how fears change year after year. For children between the ages of zero and two, they tend to be “very physical”, “very emotional” and “very corporeal”: “We are primitive. Our amygdala works in hyper-activated mode and our frontal lobe is still unable to tell our amygdala to relax.” Two to four years later, it’s time to start building symbolism. Then the fears are more related to monsters, sounds and darkness. Finally, from four to six years, fears are often related to loss and death: “Understanding and awareness of fragility are deeper.”

It’s something that’s part of the child development process and doesn’t have to be worrying. But when they begin to affect the day-to-day, such as sleep, relationships, studies, and/or attention, and these symptoms extend over time, attention should be paid.

What can children do when they are afraid at night? “The purpose of this training is to answer that question as a group. My role is not to come and tell you what to do. Parenting doesn’t work that way,” he said. In fact, the needs vary according to the moment, the family and the child: “We are in favour of strengthening the parents and in this sense we want to encourage the attitude of their ideal gaze. We don’t want to make them dependent on us; we want to promote their right look.”

Circle of Certainty

Although one must find his way, Mendiluze usually starts from a model: “I plant the seed, and then it’s your responsibility to water it at home.” For this he works within the circle of certainty. The goal is to create a safe space to start exploring the child, and to have a safe shelter in case of fright. To do this, it is necessary to analyze the moment when it requires an increase in the distance between the parents and themselves or when it approaches. That is, at what point does he say that he wants to do it for himself or that he wants support: “If our little one asks us for help because he can’t manage his fears at night, we have to be there. If your capacity for internal balance has not been fully developed, we will have to be there. For example, when you are sleeping, you can only relax by touching your hand.” He adds that parents “know better than anyone” when children need to be around or distance themselves.

She also says it’s important to recognize children’s emotions: “If he says there’s a monster in the closet, give him a hand, and together we can approach the closet.” There are also phrases to avoid, such as “don’t be afraid” and “you’re stupid”: “We don’t see them as appropriate.”

In addition, he believes that the use of play and imagination can also help. For example, create a spray against monsters, draw a caretaker of the room, and others. The thing is, you have to find out which strategy helps you the most.