Today I have managed to leave the house. Not yesterday. And I'm not sure I'll get it tomorrow. I confined myself to the beginning of the lockdown. One of the most aggressive displays of anxiety, depersonalization, I felt violently as the dog came down one night.

I rushed into my house, laid down next to my brother, and with my thoughts I was in a life-and-death discussion. When you feel depersonalization, you're almost always thinking: crazy or crazy.

To define it, when, without being conscious, we suffer from very high levels of anxiety, we can feel strange, like our double, as if we look from the outside what we are, or even feel alien to ourselves or to those around us at times: that is depersonalization.

After feeling this, I think it's fair to question everyone's mental health. That's where the war begins. I and my thoughts. When we began to experience the fear of reappearing that intolerable symptom that was supposedly unprecedented to us. And that's where the imbalance begins when we focus on depersonalization. So we started to avoid everything, fleeing everything, “in order for that symptom to appear again, it cannot be in public, it cannot be working, I have to be at home for when depersonalization comes”.

Depersonalization is not random. The mismanagement of our emotions can influence that. It may be due to the uncertainty of our personal relationships. And so a long list. These are the ones we have to question, and not depersonalization. We must understand that the symptoms protect us, although we are very afraid. The symptoms are a sign that something too heavy is being done to us. They save our lives.

If we compare a physical illness, the symptom could be a fever, and the fever is worrying, but no one doubts that you have to look for what is behind the fever, for example, an infection. In the field of mental health, depersonalization would be fever and infection, an unhealthy relationship, an imperfect mourning, etc.

I am looking for my own “infection” and it supposes weekly therapy. Every week it means freeing me from my heart with a professional with a very nice therapeutic link, naming my demons slowly and between tears, listing everything I don't want to see in me, remembering what I wanted to be and what has not arrived, bringing to my heart the emptiness of my mother that I miss again and again. For me, therapy is accepting, flipping and filling with love everything I've said and lots of things that shame me and fill me with guilt.