“My main challenge is to find a job that suits our family model”
- Raquel Orgillés (Barcelona, 1983) is the only mother to choose from. Her daughter Nora was born in November 2019, just months before the pandemic exploded. After many years of working in a food related business, he is now unemployed. More than one will know you by profile @blw_receptes on Instagram.
When and how did she decide to be a single mother?
When I was 35, I ended up with a toxic relationship I had until then. At the time, I began the process of reflection and saw clearly that I could not waste my time if I wanted to be a mother. But I didn't even want to think about relationships either. So I decided to be a single parent.
Was it a difficult decision?
Yes, because it was my last chance. In my last relationships I struggled a lot, love was idealized and forming a family without a partner made me very sad… I always dreamed that I was going to form a family with a firm bond. But well, I had the grief and now I think the decision was perfect.
How did you get pregnant?
I first ran tests to decide on insemination or in vitro fertilization. They saw that I had the tubes clogged, so I had to remove the eggs. Sixteen were removed, and half were gestated through a semen donor. Three of them lived alone. Fortunately, with the first embryonic transfer came with force to life Nora.
How did that process happen?
It was hard. I had just come out of a break and rented my floor to some young students because for me I had too much relationship with my former partner. Meanwhile, I lived on the top floor of my parents' duplex. There I wasn't entirely wrong, but for me I needed a space, I needed to overcome with peace everything that was happening. When I got pregnant I went back to my apartment and with that I recovered my space.
Did you miss references from mothers without partners?
She knew the women who decided to make progress with their children alone, because their partners didn't want to take care of them. But he didn't know anyone who chose to form a single-parent family. I was lacking in referents, yes, although when you immerse yourself in the world of mono-parents you know a lot of people. We are many!
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Did you feel alone?
Yes, in general alone. My mother was an unconditional support. I was always at the clinic. With friends, it was harder. When I shared the decision to be a single mother, they gave their opinion with total freedom ... I lost some friends because of that, because we had different views or just because they didn't respect my decision.
What you didn't know at the time was that we were at noon that a global pandemic was going to turn our day to day upside down. How did he live?
It was certainly one of the most difficult stages of my life. I had to fight psychologically not to touch the background. I need psychiatric help and I was medicalized. Alone with a four-month-old boy, who was carrying my baby all day, and I didn't sleep for more than an hour in a row. It was exhausting. Added to this were, of course, labour and economic problems. And the virus caused the discomfort, of course. It was Erdiondo Rara…
Indeed, it claims mental health care on social networks. Why?
Because I think it's fundamental. Therapy has helped me a lot, I do it every two weeks. And I need it to survive. I don't go to the hairdresser, I don't buy clothes, but I take care of mental health. Unfortunately, our system also forgets it.
Do you feel marginalized in everyday life as a parent?
Yes, because in many moments I lack the logistical advantages of a family with two parents. And not only that, but also the expenses of my house. Or, my dream is to become a mother with the two vitrified embryos I have. But the Spanish State, despite the shy birth rate, does not provide the means to be a mother. Even more without a partner. And the people around me, every time I say I want to be a mother, they tell me no, I already have a daughter and I'm crazy.
On Instagram, see the reality of single-parent families.
Yes, I created the @blw_receptes profile in the lockdown and I love it. It's my virtual tribe. We help each other. And I feel lucky and useful to be able to share my experience. It is a pity that there are no job opportunities.
Before I finish, what is your challenge for the future?
My main challenge is to find a job that suits our family model and, as far as possible, be motivating and happy. And become a mother again. Or at least try. I want to achieve minimum stability and be happy, no more.
Conflicting family structures
“I experienced a complicated childhood. When I was five years old, my parents separated and my mother stayed alone with two daughters. Economic problems predominate at home. Three years later, my mother knew what today is Nora's grandfather and my stepfather. Years of many changes came: house, school, city… It was a tough time for me, because I got bullying for many years. Motherhood shakes the whole family structure, and ever since I'm a mother, I'm working to avoid repeating patterns. Therapy has been imperative along this path.”
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