A lot of what we feminists know about sexist violence. We quickly and clearly identify the chauvinist behaviors and aggressions that society normalizes. We know of a wide range of resources to help victims ask for protection to report the situation. But all of a sudden, we've realized that we're the victims, and suddenly naming violence, denouncing it, asking for protection, is not that easy.

Maybe someone thinks that feminists have not experienced male chauvinist violence for having all that information. Unfortunately, that is not the case. In recent times I have talked a lot with feminists who have experienced some kind of male violence (gender-based violence in the couple, or sexual harassment by many other men), and we have seen that we all feel shame and guilt, either for having lived in a particular situation or for not having responded with the force we would like. With a lot of information and support, however, if we do not feel capable of denouncing the situation, we feel very cowardly. If those of us who run empowerment workshops are inclined towards aggression, we will feel truly scammer.

And within us, feminist discourse mixes with the same fears and uncertainties that all victims feel: “Exaggerating? Is it my fault to end up in that situation? If I denounce it, isn't it bad? Am I getting too much into the role of victim?” We can also have moments of empathy with the aggressor. It's very rare: we rationally know we have strength, support and resources, but we still feel fear. We felt very small, very locked, and very feminist.

In addition, normally the men on the left are not the traditional aggressors. Many consider themselves profeminists, they seem sentimental, they try to distance themselves from the hegemonic model of masculinity. When a “new man” has attitudes of harassment or ill-treatment, it is more difficult to publicly strip oneself and tell us that they have assaulted us, to believe that those who do not enter the stereotype constructed by society are chauvinist aggressors. Often these men do not physically abuse (and they are the only aggressions that undoubtedly identify society as violence), but they have daily violent attitudes that destroy our self-esteem: control attitudes, blackmail, attitudes of sexual domination, painful comments of contempt... Faced with a male violence that does not leave a clear mark, many will say that this is a private conflict of couples, that saying that it is violence is exaggerated or that the poor boy has had an inadequate attitude but is in therapy.

We have called “infiltrated holes” left-wing male chauvinists wearing a mask of equality and more and more feminists are beginning to give the keys to identifying these men and to propose strategies to combat aggression within social movements. We tend to repeat that there is no victim profile, but many times it seems that there are other women, and we are willing to help those victims and deal with the aggressions without fear.

Perhaps talking more about what happens to us can be a firm way of overcoming this stereotype of female victim and ending the multiple violence among all women.